One of the hardest things I’ve learned as a therapist is to see past what’s on the surface and find compassion. Everyone has done things we’re not proud of. In one way or another we’ve all hurt someone. Compassion happens when we can see beyond what has been done to the person underneath. This does not mean excusing the behavior. But it does mean we must find it within ourselves to see past that behavior to the person beneath if we are to find true compassion.
Love & compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.
Dalai Lama
As with most skills, the more you practice the better you get. I’ve gotten better at seeing the person behind the actions. I’ve made connections and been able to see healing and growth happen. I would say I’ve gotten pretty good at compassion for others. It turns out that I still struggle with self-compassion.
I wish I always showed up as my best self. I wish I didn’t sometimes fail to do my job well. I wish I was always a kind, loving and patient mom, daughter, friend, person. But the fact of the matter is that I’m not. Sometimes I make mistakes…often I make mistakes. Sometimes I say the wrong thing or I’m not fully present when I need and want to be. Sometimes I inadvertently hurt the people I care about the most.
What then?
Recently someone pointed out that I had made a mistake like that. I felt a hot wash of shame in the pit of my stomach…and then I tried to figure out what to do next. First I owned my behavior. I admitted what I’d done wrong. Second I apologized and came up with a plan for not making that mistake again. I shared my plan with the person I’d hurt. I felt pretty good about those steps.
Then came the replay…over and over in my head of what I’d done, the shame response and how bad I felt. I thought to myself how I’d respond to someone else who’d done something similar. I tried to say those same things to myself. Here are the thoughts I’m practicing thinking:
We all make mistakes, even me (especially me)…
I’m doing my best and learning how to do better…
I’ve done everything I can to fix it…
It’s okay if I screw up sometimes…
I still love you…
These are things I say to people on a regular basis. And I mean them deeply and wholeheartedly. Compassion for others comes naturally and is a skill I work every day to sharpen. Now I’m working to use those same skills to develop a stronger and better sense of self…
compassion
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