seen

It’s Halloween this weekend and that got me thinking about how much fun my kids have getting dressed up and pretending to be someone they’re not. In this house we’re big fans of dress up and costumes. My oldest son is turning 20 this year and is still dressing up and planning not only this years’ costume but thinking who he’ll be next year too. He loves to pretend.

While pretending is great as a kid and on Halloween, in relationships and therapy pretending can be dangerous and lonely. I’ve been thinking about how often we wear masks in our day to day lives and the impact that can have on our relationships and our mental health. Not only is wearing a mask exhausting and fake, it has a significant impact on our ability to connect with others and on our mental, emotional and physical health.

I may have mentioned before (and I may tell almost everyone that I meet….) that Brene Brown is my hero. I have learned more from her about vulnerability, connection, courage and shame than anyone else. She says,

Connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives…When you ask people about love they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging they’ll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection the stories they told me were about disconnection.

Brene Brown

…and….

In order for connection to happen we have to be seen…really seen

Brene Brown

Being seen can be scary. Like completely and totally scary. I struggle with this myself, fearing that if people really see me will they continue to want to be my friend? Will they reject me if they know the whole story? In her 2010 Ted talk on vulnerability Brene shares that the original definition of courage was “to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” I think of Brene and others that I admire so much and I think of how real they are. I love the stories that Brene shares in her books and her talks and they’re funny and relevant and REAL. I admire that. I want to be more like that. I want to strive to be courageous and tell my story with my whole heart. It’s inspiring and amazing and terrifying…to be truly seen by another.

In general I’d consider myself to be a pretty open person. When you meet me you may not want to ask how I’m doing because I’m likely to tell you. In my house we live out loud and don’t keep much to ourselves. For the longest time I apologized for that and tried to change it. To be less…less emotional, less outspoken, less messy. Now I’m working to embrace it. I admire those who can be real and upfront and vulnerable even when (particularly when) things are hard. I want to be around people who share the good, the bad and the ugly with me. I want to truly see others and also be seen by them. I want to show up in ways that increase my connection with others and that help me see the world for all the beauty and mess and complexity that it has to offer. If we can strive for that collectively, to be more real, to show our vulnerability, to allow others to see us and to value being seen by others then the world will be a much better place. So I will continue to strive to show up in ways that are genuine and authentic and real. I will work to create a safe space to see others and to be…

seen