Yesterday I got some pretty tough news. Afterwards, I was sitting there feeling numb…you know like when you’re in shock? I remember thinking, “I don’t know how I feel about this. I guess I’ll find out when the numb wears off.” But then it occurred to me, what if I didn’t need to wait to find out how I feel? What if I just decided how I want to feel? That’s a classic CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) technique, choosing your thoughts. It’s also something I’ve been working on recently. So I made a decision. I decided to look at the situation as an opportunity for growth and possibly an answer to prayer.
“Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
Keri Russell
While this all sounds great, honestly I was still pretty skeptical. I mean I’ve tried this before and it’s not like it worked out all that well. I reflected on the reasons why I believed this is a good thought to keep and I looked for evidence for why this thought might be true. By the time the numb wore off I was pretty committed to this idea. Then the feelings came (and are still coming) but I’m working through them with the thought of “this is an opportunity” as my foundation. It’s working surprisingly well.
So I got to thinking… Maybe the numbness is a gift…a chance to use this skill. I’m used to my feelings being so overwhelming and happening so fast that there is not much of an opportunity to choose my thoughts. Like when I’m feeling so overwhelmed, how can I just choose to think a new thought? The thoughts are already there with all the feelings attached and it’s such a jumbled up mess that I can’t sort it all out. I’m stuck with managing.
But in the numb, the feelings hadn’t kicked in yet and there was clarity. I was able to actually choose a thought without being overwhelmed by emotion. It was surprisingly less difficult than I expected. My emotions have always been quicker to the draw then my thoughts so I thought they always ran the show. (And to be fair, they really were, running the show.) But maybe that doesn’t have to be the case. Maybe the numb is not the scary place, waiting for the inevitable onslaught of who knows what emotion is coming my way. Maybe the numb is the place where my thoughts can come first and temper the emotional response. Maybe it’s a gift, this…
