I’ve been pondering about the fact that Setpember is suicide awareness/prevention month. I am so grateful that there is a larger conversation and awareness happening around this incredibly difficult issue. But I am not much of a macro, systems type person. I tend to think on a much smaller scale, things that affect me, or my family, my clients and my little community here in the East Mountains of New Mexico.
My birthday is in September and so it’s a natural time for reflection for me. I think of where I was last year on my birthday, working three jobs and trying to build this business. And now I’m here working for me and (hopefully) making a difference even if it’s in small and simple ways.
But this happy ending had a dark beginning and some dark moments on the way. I know I’ve shared this story before but it feels especially appropriate for suicide prevention this month. I sort of think this all started when I was 15 and suicidal myself. I remember being in so much pain and not caring for myself really at all….I couldn’t imagine living another day for me. But in that darkness I tried to make a deal with God and told Him that if I could use what I knew to help someone else I’d try. I wouldn’t make any promises but I’d at least try.
Well I kept trying. For years I tried. And eventually it did get better. When I was a teenager I thought maybe I’d be a peer advocate or something along those lines. Maybe that’s how I could make the struggle mean something in some sort of way. How I could make sense of the darkest of the dark years.
But then I got married and became a mom! And I forgot all about how I wanted to help others because I had babies to take care of. My lifelong dream had come true and I threw myself into being a mom with everything I had. I was very blessed to be able to stay home and take care of my kids for many years and that’s where I kept my focus for a long time.
I remember being at work one day and getting a call from CYFD. They told me they were worried about my daughter because she had told the school counselor she was suicidal. I hate to admit that my first reaction was irritated. I was thinking, “are you serious? What are you even talking about???” I honestly didn’t think it was real. I really didn’t. But then I started to think about it and I knew I’d do anything it took to help her and to find out what I could do to make this better. Never in my wildest and darkest dreams did I think I’d eventually use what I knew about being a suicidal 15 year old to try and find help for my own daughter!
But like many kids, she didn’t want much help or support from me. Our relationship was very strained and difficult at the time (which I’m sure was both contributing to and a symptom of her depression) so I started to look for help in my community. I found almost nothing out here. I couldn’t afford to drive to town and miss more work so we tried to make do with what we had. Which was not much. It was a very hard and terrifying time and I did not have access to the resources that we needed.
It was during that time that I decided that I needed to open my private practice in my own community when I got to that point. I didn’t want another parent to struggle the same way that I did when their child was going through a crazy hard and scary time. I wanted to be a part of the solution.
Now I’m getting ready to celebrate my 47th birthday. My daughter is 22 and just graduated from college with her Bachelor’s degree. I’m sitting in my office that I decorated, where I come to do important and maybe even life-saving work depending on the day. I wish I could go back and sit with 15 year old me and tell her just how far we’ve come. I’d tell her that her struggles were not for nothing. That what she taught me I use in my work every day. That the world is a little bit better because she never gave up.
“Trying to make my misery just a piece of my history, a little less victim, a little more victory.”
Ariel Bloomer of Icon for Hire
If you’re struggling or have struggled in the past I’m so sorry. If you love someone who struggles I’m sorry. Not all the stories have a happy ending and that is incredibly painful. But some do. Some stories become stories of triumph and resilience. But I believe that’s only when we share those stories with each other.
So reach out. When you struggle, find someone to talk to about it.
When someone reaches out to you, know you don’t have to fix it. Just listening is so powerful. Let them know you love them and you’ll be there no matter what.
Be the person who will send a text in the middle of the night and the person who will respond to one.
Have the conversations. Share the stories. Talk about the hard days. I truly believe that this is the way we can make it through the…
