One of the more difficult skills I continue to try to master is listening. It’s something I practice every day and everywhere that I am. I mean, depending on how you look at it, I could be considered a professional listener. But unfortunately while I’m often really good at it at work, in my personal life I find I constantly need to work on improving. (And if I’m being honest, my clients would totally benefit from me getting better at it at work too!)
I often hear people say they want to be a therapist because they’re good at giving advice. Oh boy! That’s not what I do! In fact, I catch myself giving advice often and I have to stop myself from doing it! What I DO try to do is listen. Listen without fixing. Listen without judgement. Listen without feeling like I need to solve it.
Listening is fairly simple but an incredibly difficult to do. Sitting with someone’s experiences and feelings is not as easy as it sounds. We get a lot of satisfaction from fixing or solving things. In fact, I’ve recently started doing puzzles on a game on my computer because it’s something I can sort and fix and eventually solve! Life just isn’t like that. Problems are rarely easily fixed or solved. What can be done however, is to share the burden with someone else. We can share that burden when we take the time to listen.
When my son is mad at his sister the quickest way I’ve found to diffuse the situation is to listen. I let him vent and get it all out and then validate by saying something like, “yeah, I’d be mad if she did that to me too!” Him feeling heard, like I listened to him, calms him down much more quickly than if I tried to give him advice or tell him how to fix it. (But I really want to! Tell him how to fix it that is…) To truly listen requires that we quiet our brain and be truly present. It takes patience and self control to listen to the whole story before responding. I continually have to shut down the part of my brain that wants to jump to conclusions or interrupt.
“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”
Carl Rogers
When you think about it this is great news. We don’t always know the answers or have the best advice. Rarely can we really fix someone else’s problems. But if we practice we can always…
