I was just talking with a friend about how we measure our success as a mom. She wisely cautioned me against using my kids’ accomplishments as a measuring stick on what and how I am doing as a mom. It got me thinking about how I measure success. I hope that my clients make progress and enjoy coming to therapy. But if they have a setback or stop coming does that mean that I’m no longer a good therapist? If my kids make a bad choice does that make me a bad mom? I think the easy answer is of course not…but it’s not really that easy is it?
I don’t know about you but I’m often driven by production. If I make a certain amount of money then I know I’m doing well. Or if my kids get “good grades” then that means they are successful. If I work out three times a week then I’m healthy. If this, then that. I do this often. I look around and try to find those measuring posts that will tell me if I’m doing a good job or if I need to make improvements.
I like having goals to strive for. Without them it becomes easy to just do the same thing over and over again. Without goals I might not reach as far as I am capable of reaching. I think where I get caught up is when I allow other people to set my goals for me. If I allow society or the beauty industry to dictate what I should wear or how I should look, then that’s when I get into trouble. If I allow grades to tell me if my kids are successful enough I can start to be really hard on my kids and also myself. Ultimately I can’t measure myself against others or allow outside forces to dictate what success looks like for me.
Try not to measure success on how much better you are than someone else, but by how you as a person are better than yesterday.
Michael Murray
When I set my goals for myself they need to be aligned with my personal *values. Some of my top values are gratitude, family and hope. These are the things that should be driving my goals as opposed to looking a certain way or making a certain amount of money. As a mom I feel my main goal should be to help my children discover what their personal values are…and then show them how to set goals for themselves that will move them closer toward those values.
These types of measuring sticks that are based on values and ideas are much harder to use, at least for me. They’re more nebulous, harder to see and harder to define. How do I measure if I’m being grateful enough? If I’m being hopeful enough? Like on a scale from 1-10? Is there an appropriate amount of gratitude? Of hope?
One way I’ve found that I can do this is by noticing how I show up each day. Do I have energy and motivation to get things done? If not, am I lacking in hope? Do I feel overwhelmed and like I have too much going on? Would it help if I sat down for a few minutes to write out a few things I’m grateful for?
I’ve found that when I try to measure my worth or my value or my importance or my impact on things outside of myself, I can’t help but fall short. I either feel like I’m doing a great job and I don’t push myself hard enough or I feel like I’m never ever going to measure up to the goal. When I look inward for the goals I am much more successful. Not only do I know what’s important to me, I also know the ways in which I am ready to grow and change. So here’s to ditching the external and instead looking inside for our true…
