This weekend was a peaceful one for me. Lately I’ve been super overwhelmed and feel like my life has been turned upside down for the past 2-3 months. I have this idea that since I know about emotional regulation and self care that life will somehow be easier for me? Turns out it’s not! Like ever. And yet…I still managed to be surprised each time. It’s a talent of mine apparently.
What I’ve come to discover is that no amount of self care can really fix things if your life is inherently chaotic and insane. The real fix is to identify the chaos and insanity and work on that. Often I find that the chaos is born from my own thoughts and beliefs and behaviors. That’s a good news/bad news scenario. Good news because it’s within my power to fix it. Bad news because changing your beliefs and self talk can be extremely challenging.
I’d like to share some strategies that I’ve been using lately. Maybe it will be beneficial to you, and writing it out helps me to get clear on what I need to do for me.
Identify your self-talk.
I’ve been surprised to find out how much of what I say to myself that I just believe to be true is actually based in my self-talk. For years I’ve said that not everyone will like me because I’m a lot, and that’s okay. I thought that was great self-talk. But I’m coming to realize that inherently I’m telling myself that I’m a lot. As in too much. Too emotional. Too talkative. Too loud. I stand by not everyone will like me but I’m trying to reframe my statement to I’m just me and not everyone will like me. I’m okay just the way I am, just not for everyone. Besides, who wants to be everyone’s friend anyway?
“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.” Brene Brown
Figure out what really matters.
I’ve come to discover that two things are incredibly important to me. Laughter and peace. If I have a life without laughter I start to feel empty and slow and irritated. Laughter lightens me up and helps me find joy in everyday things. I love to surround myself with people who can make me laugh and who laugh with me. I also need peace. Not necessarily quiet, but a calm and relaxing place to be. For me I need my house to be peaceful. It’s not always, but I do feel the difference when it’s not. At least one or two days a week I need some quiet peaceful time to recharge.
Dig a little deeper.
Whenever I’m stressed I immediately want my house to be clean. I have this idea that a clean house will mean a peaceful mind. I do think that is true to some extent. But I can also have a clear and peaceful mind when my house looks like people live there. I’ve spent a lot of time pondering this and I’ve made a connection. My favorite place on earth has always been my grandmother’s house. And it was always spotless! I mean like crazy clean. I’ve discovered that I’ve associated a clean house with love and safety. Since then I’ve been looking for other ways that I can feel loved and safe. Because sadly my house is not always clean and almost never spotless! Making this connection has allowed me to be less worried about things being just right in my space.
Be fierce in setting boundaries.
This has always been a huge challenge for me. It’s so hard to set boundaries and then keep them! Every time I say to myself I’m going to go to bed at 10pm and I mean it! For real this time! But then 10pm comes and I’m like “Today it’s okay. Today I can stay up late and it will be fine. Just this time.” Come the next morning and it’s not fine! I need my sleep. Be mindful and strict with what you need. Whether it’s a specific bedtime, not eating a specific food or not overscheduling yourself. Because once you cross that boundary it can be incredibly hard to get back on track. Also, you build trust with yourself by setting boundaries and honoring them.
These are the most recent things that I’ve been working on. You might have different things that you need to focus on in order to keep your life on track. I’m trying to learn the lesson that it’s easier not to cross a boundary than it is to try to get back on track. I’m looking for the ways that I allow chaos to enter my life and trying to really try hard to push back on it. I know I can’t control all of the things that are coming my way, but I can at least do my part to make things go more smoothly. So here’s to using what I do know to protect against the…