Lately I’ve been noticing I’m having that feeling again – the one where your brain won’t slow down, your to-do list feels impossible and even good changes feel overwhelming. I feel like I don’t know how to handle the overwhelm. When that happens, I remind myself of something that is often brought up in therapy: the window of tolerance. I’ve been thinking recently about the window of tolerance.
According to neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel it is defined as:
The window of tolerance, a term coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, is “the optimal zone of arousal where the nervous system functions effectively, allowing people to manage emotions and stress. When within this window, individuals can handle daily challenges without becoming overwhelmed (hyperarousal) or shutting down (hypoarousal), supporting emotional regulation, mental health, and resilience.”
In simpler terms, our window of tolerance is the space where we feel steady enough to think clearly, manage emotions and respond rather than reacting.
I started my private practice in 2020 and spent a few years being outside of my window (which is one way to describe survival mode now that I think about it). There were so many things to figure out each and every day. For the longest time I felt like I was drowning. You may have the impression that therapists have it all figured out all the time. The truth is we don’t. We’re human too! I came to a point where I started to realize no matter how many clients I saw or how many hours I worked I could not see everyone who was ready to start therapy. It was difficult to admit my limits even to myself, but I decided the best thing to do was to hire someone. Growth is rarely easy and comes with its own learning curve to be sure, but I made it work!
Then in late 2024 I had the opportunity to expand! I decided to move to a new office, giving us the opportunity to grow from a small group practice to an agency. Just when I felt like I was getting the hang of things…Bam! Outside of my window again! I spent half of last year and most of this year getting all of that set up, and parts of that process are still in progress. My awesome intern finished his graduate program and went to work with his wife. We were able to take on a new counseling intern and then we hired Gabby! Now we have a brand new team and it’s awesome!
All of these changes are wonderful and exciting. But even so I know that I am outside of my window of tolerance and this is how I know.
Overwhelm
My brain is constantly running and telling me there is no time for anything. My to-do list feels insurmountable and keeping things in my mind feels impossible.
Imposter Syndrome
I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing (which, to be fair, is sometimes true) AND that someone is going to come and revoke my license. I imagine that they ask me who I think I am and what am I even doing??? They will tell me that I am fired and send me away in disgrace. (For the record I do know that is both irrational and highly unlikely and yet here we are.)
Anxiety
This looks like near constant worry that something is going to go catastrophically wrong (not just regular wrong). Once this gets going my anxiety starts to function like a really strong magnet. All of my free floating anxiety comes to the surface and globs on to the current anxiety until it starts compounding like a snowball down a snowy hill.
Being a little outside of the window of tolerance can help us to make changes and grow. That’s a great place to be. However, being completely outside of your window can lead to discomfort, depression and keep us from getting anything accomplished.
There is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone.
-Humble the Poet
The good news is that awareness is everything. Once I notice I’m outside my window of tolerance, I can start finding my way back. Here are some things that help me:
Rest
We all need rest for our body and our brain. Rest is defined in many ways, one of which being “an instance or period of relaxing or ceasing to engage in strenuous or stressful activity.” For me that looks like snuggling with my dogs, reading under a blanket or taking a nap. I find that once I rest physically I can access mental rest more easily as well. When we are rested it signals our nervous system that we are safe and it can calm down.
Talk to someone
Often once I start explaining to someone what is going on and why I feel so overwhelmed, it seems less overwhelming. Almost by speaking it out I can see that things are not as bad as I thought.
Make a list
By the same token, making a list gets everything in my head down on paper. This serves two purposes, first it gives my head a break from trying to remember everything and when I write it down it’s often not as overwhelming as I originally thought. And that leaves more space for me to enjoy things that might not end up on a list.
Fact checking
This is a way to question my own thoughts and assumptions. Like, “is someone actually going to take away my business license? Do I really have no idea what the next steps are?” Or am I just catastrophizing? *link*
Breathe
Literally I take several deep breaths. Maybe do a mindfulness practice. Listen to music. Have a cup of tea or coffee. Box breathing or five cleansing breaths.
As with most things, it is really important that we find a sense of balance. If we are constantly outside of our window of tolerance we live under constant stress which is bad for our mental health and can have consequences to our physical health as well. On the other hand, if we are never outside of our window we won’t make progress or learn or grow. The goal is to notice when we’ve been stretched too far, and how to find out way back inside our window of…